|
August 11, 2008
Fuzzman and Dude O' Justice: Epic Finale!
|
Here it is, the long awaited climactic end to the saga of Fuzzman and Dude O' Justice, two unwitting heroes thrust into a deadly plot. Will they prevail? Will they die... um... again? Only a single mouse click will tell!
We like epic tales, whether they're movies, books, songs, or whatever. They take some mundane aspect of humanity and make it heroic. Do you get angry in traffic? Well that's awesome if you're the Hulk! Are you a problem drinker? Well that's totally cool when you're Iron Man! Do you wish you could disguise yourself and beat the fucking shit out of people you hate? Welcome to every superhero ever! Sure, there's a couple of them who are above all those petty human emotions, but they're boring. No, we much prefer those heroes who epitomize our innermost desire: To be a total asshole and be so powerful that nobody can do anything about it except sing our praises. That's definitely my goal, although it's tenuous since my only actual superpower is my seeming immunity to STDs.
Let's consider a random superhero movie, oh I don't know, let's say The Dark Knight. A couple of you have seen that, right? Cool. You've got the Joker, who's totally crazy. We can't have him be regular crazy, because Batman is regular crazy, and he's the good guy. The bad guy has to be off-the-scale ridiculous crazy so even if we kinda like him, we don't like him as much as Batman, who's like a regular guy with human vices, just like you and me! Well, except he's a gazillionaire, and he's swimming in gorgeous women, and um he has unlimited nearly magical toys, oh and he has a butler. But, I mean, otherwise, he's totally emo. He has all those internal conflicts like we do. "Should I get regular or the low fat? I don't know!" See? That kind of difficult decision is what epic stories are made of! So when you watch the movie, you can say, "wow, I'm totally Batman! He's not perfect, and neither am I. We're the same! Now where's my mask...."
What it all comes down to is that you come away from the movie feeling that it's ok to suck. It's filled with so much masochism that an emo kid would run out of razors. You drive home from the theater doing 60 in a 30 while slamming a 40 thinking to yourself, "yeah, I'm awesome." Driving fast, drinking excessively, smoking yourself stupid, fucking strangers in a greasy restroom... They're all beautiful! And full of dark choices, like "should I sit around some more doing nothing, or should I go get a job." Why ever make the effort to improve ourselves when it's so freakin' badass being "dark", or "a renegade", or "fuck you, you don't own me!" Shit man, playing video games in your parents' attic while wearing dirty underwear is heroic!
My favorite part in Batman was when he beat up a bunch of other guys who dressed up like him. It's ironic, for one. But it illustrates my favorite vice: excessive vanity. Nobody else is as awesome as me!
What an awesome movie.
~Fuzzy
