Super Cigar

Unleash the badgers

I've never understood why superheroes in comics and movies are so selfless. People try to get away with absolutely anything and everything that they possibly can. The only reason they stop themselves is because they think they'll get in trouble or get arrested. That's why you have fat bitches pretending their fries were gross so they can get a free replacement ("if they were so gross, why did you eat the whole bag before coming back up?"), or guys blowing through a stop sign going 60 on a back road, or a kid jerking off into the oven while his parents are at work (what?).

Giving those people super powers wouldn't make them better people. It would make them worse. Much worse. I mean, how do you resist? They wouldn't mean to be assholes. It would start out small. They'd say, "oh fuck, I forgot my wallet. Well, just this once I'll use my flying/spider climbing/secret ninja skills to get into the club/subway/clown show." And then over time they become comfortable with that small level of crime, and at a very gradual pace the envelope of assholery increases until they have a comically sized straw that sucks money directly out of a bank's vaults. "What! I saved this city from robot aliens like four times and they never paid me! In fact I should be taking MORE money."

Plus, when you have that kind of power, you start seeing everyone else as a whiny douche. Just take a look at the cops in the US with their huge guns and stormtrooper outfits (or whatever) killing kids in grocery stores. They're walking around with giant bazookas on their shoulders. They don't mean to be dicks. It's just that they can't help but see us as stupid squishy ants. To them it's just part of the job. "Well he had his back to me so he theoretically could have been carrying a box of ravenous badgers!" They're not going to risk getting bitten by a rabid badger just to give some scoundrely street urchin the benefit of the doubt. If I was in his shoes and had more firepower on me than the entire Swiss army, I would shoot fucking everyone who even sneezed within fifty feet of me. "Oh God I have to murder the germs! Gyaaaahhhh!!!!"

It's human nature. People like to make snide remarks about "absolute power corrupting absolutely" and about history "repeating itself". We don't fuck up because we got an F in History. We fuck up because we're made out of pure 100% unfiltered Fuck-Up. We will make the exact same stupid selfish evil mistakes for all of infinite until Google has built a machine to do literally every single thing we do. We'll even need a machine to grab our dicks and piss for us, because otherwise we'll take the delicious opportunity to piss all over a mangy cat. Of course, that cat didn't let me rub its furry head, so it totally had it coming. Douche. Douche cat.

~Fuzzy